MOM JUST CAN'T TELL A JOKE

Ellery: How are an elephant and a tree the same?

Mom: They both have trunks?

Ellery: (disappointed) I was supposed to say that and it was supposed to be funny.

IN TRAINING

Mom came into the living room to see Ellery perched on a stool, a towel spread out in front of her and her feet in a little Tupperware container full of water.

"What are you doing?" Mom asked, bewildered.

"I'm practicing getting my feet cold for when I play in the snow."

THANKSGIVING

Mom: I'm thankful I have you for a daughter.

Ellery: Me too. And I'm thankful for good food. And I'm thankful for Henry (the parrot). Are you still thankful for Henry even though he just peed?

BAD DREAMS

Ellery came down in the middle of the night, crying.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I had a bad dream," she whimpered.

"You can get into bed with me," I said.

"Okay. Wait..." she said with the air of someone about to make a serious mistake, "Mom, do you have sharp teeth?"

"No!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I have the same teeth I always have."

"Okay," she conceded, "I hope Jack Frost doesn't chase me and eat me."

LITTLE PIXIE

I gave Ellery a job to organize all my thread spools by color into the new storage containers I bought. She enjoyed that so much that I suggested she organize all her hair ornaments into the leftover containers. She was happily sorting when she called out, "Mom, pretend you don't know who is organizing your stuff. I want it to be like The Elves and the Shoemaker."

THE THINGS WE HOLD DEAR

I was clipping Ellery's fingernails. "Be careful of the pinkie," she cautioned, "it's very special to me.

LOTS TO THINK ABOUT

Ellery was tossing and turning in bed while I was reading in her room. "You need to go to sleep," I told her.

"I just have a lot on my mind," she told me.

"Like what?"

"I was just thinking about if mermaids were real, and if they are, how we could send supplies down for them to build a playground."

CUE THE DRAMATIC MUSIC

Ellery and I were walking through a silent parking garage. "It's quiet," Ellery remarked, then added suspensefully, "...too quiet."

SIMILARITIES

Ellery was showing all the wallpapers she had saved on my Ipad. She has several categories she enjoys, including cute baby animals, Anime girls and pictures of food. She was showing a picture of coffee beans and she said, "I don't know why I saved this one."

Maybe because you thought it was chocolate," Emily suggested. Sometimes coffee beans look like chocolate."

"And so does goat poop. And M&Ms."

STILL LEARNING THE FINER POINTS OF THE GAME

Maggie called down the stairs to her Hide and Seek playmates, "I'm going to go hide upstairs, in my bed, under the covers."

WHAT MITCHELL SAYS

Mitchell: Hey Nick, you know who's really good at finishing things?

Nick: No. Who?

Mitchell: The Finnish!

* * * * *

Janice (to Ellery): Oh, your hair looks so beautiful!

Mitchell (deliberately misunderstanding): Why thank you.

Janice: Mitchell, I really love your humility.

Mitchell: Don't you think I should get an award for my humility?

NEW MATH

Ellery was playing a game with a balloon, trying to keep it of the ground. At first, she gave herself 10 chances for it to touch the ground. When she had used those chances, she said, "It's okay, I still have ninety-ten chances left."

"I don't think that's a real number," Sarah said doubtfully.

"It is," Ellery assured her. "You just don't hear it very often."

THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT PEANUT

Ellery and Mom were discussing Peanut, Ellery's imaginary pet mouse.

Mom: You've had Peanut for a long time, haven't you?

Ellery: Yes. I think since I was four. And now Peanut's cousins live with us too. I don't know why.

Mom: Her cousins live with us?

Ellery: Yes. Her whole family does. Well, not her mom and dad. Her mom lives in Hawaii and her dad is fighting in the war between the mice and the rats.

Mom: Oh my!

Ellery: Actually the mice already won the war. If they had lost, then all of Peanut's family would have to go live with the rats. But since the mice won, they got all the rats' stuff. Now Peanut's family is rich!

NOT EQUIVALENT

At bedtime:

Dad: Ellery have you brushed your teeth yet?

Ellery: No, but I am making my own time capsule.

THERE'S A LOT YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME

Dad was reading The Voyage of the Dawn Treader to Ellery. They were at her favorite part with the Dufflepuds.

Dad: So the Dufflepuds were kind of like the wizard's servants.

Ellery: You mean his minions?

Dad (taken aback): I guess so.

Ellery: I was a minion once.

Dad: You were?

Ellery (shaking her head slowly at the memory): It's a long story.

WHAT DANE SAYS

Liz to her two-year-old son Dane: Dane, can I have a kiss?

Dane: No!

Liz: Why not?

Dane: Because that is not how I roll.

NOT WHAT, BUT WHERE

Mom: What would you like for your birthday?

Ellery: Whatever you get, would you make sure it's made in...CHINA!

IT'S NOT ME, IT'S YOU

I had two-year-old Jack and two-month-old Joey while Emily was at the gym and I also had a very insistent Ellery. "Watch this, Mom! Push me in the swing! Move Jack!"

I gave Jack a snack of goldfish crackers and he wanted to share with Ellery. "I want my own goldfish crackers," she said bossily.

"You're very demanding," I commented.

"Okay, okay," she said. Then, under her breath, "Let just say it's your fault."

BABY STEPS

Ellery hates to get water in her eyes or on her face. During swimming lessons when it was time to put her face in the water, she would just smile sweetly and not do it. The teacher wanted her to blow bubbles in the water and Ellery brought a straw from home so she could blow bubbles without getting her face wet.

Gwyneth and Greg were in the pool and Greg was swimming around like a fish, diving down and paddling happily. Meanwhile, Gwyneth was using all of her considerable persuasive skills to coax Ellery to put her feet in the pool, then to sit on the ladder and then to move a few inches from the ladder.

Liz commented later that she was so impressed at how Greg could swim. Ellery said indignantly, "Aren't you impressed that I put my foot on the second step?"

GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE

Ellery and Mom were on the elevator on the Golden Princess cruise ship. It was formal night and Ellery was wearing a beautiful dress with satisfying amounts of pink fluffiness.

"You look like a princess," and older gentlemen said to Ellery.

"Thank you," she answered demurely. After he exited, she added, "I won't disagree with him."

WHAT WOULD TOM AND PADMA SAY?

Mom: Would you like a bite of my apple pie?

Ellery: Yes please!

Mom: It has vanilla sauce with it.

Ellery: (looking at the plate suspiciously) That's not the vanilla sauce I was dreaming of.

THE SNEAKY CLUB

Ellery: Mom, you're so tricky! You're as tricky as I am!

Mom: Why do you say that?

Ellery: 'Cause when I wanted Moon Sand for Christmas, you said no and then you sneak got it! You're as sneaky as I am. Welcome to the club! (but not the booger picking club)

MY SISTER THE CRACK DEALER

Ellery: Lizzie, why don't you work at the crack shop anymore?

Liz: I don't believe I ever worked at a crack shop!

Mom: What did the crack shop look like?

Ellery: It had lots of cracks (Crocs) in it.

(Liz used to work at a shoe store.)

BOSS LADY

Ellery likes to sit at the little coffee table, surrounded by her papers, markers, toys, dishes from snacks, clothes she's changed into and out of and various other bits and pieces. As I was cleaning house, I kept urging her to clean up her little domain. After repeated nagging, Ellery complained, "I don't want to do my job. I don't feel well."

I replied, "I don't feel well either and I still have to do my job."

"Let me guess," she said grumpily, "your job is bossing me."

BEDTIME TALK

Ellery was in bed, not asleep, keeping up a running monologue of play talk. I was in the next room, pretty much tuning it out until my ears picked out the rallying cry, "All right everyone--let's get punching!"

ROAD SAFETY

Ellery is getting to be a good reader. She and I were driving along on a bright spring day and she warned, "Mom! Watch For Ice!"

THE BASIS OF A GOOD RELATIONSHIP

Ellery and Dad went to the park. When they got back, I asked Ellery, "Did you see anyone you knew?"

"No," she replied, "but I did see someone who would be good for me to marry."

"Oh! What made him a good person to marry?" I wondered.

"Well," she said, "he likes to smell flowers and so do I."

ELLERY AND GREG, CHILD INVENTORS

Ellery and Greg came into the room talking excitedly. "We're going to make a kind of glue that will stick forever!"

"How are you going to make it?" I asked.

They thought about it and didn't have a ready answer.

As they were walking through the kitchen, Ellery had an inspiration. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "Honey's really sticky! Mom, can we use the honey to make the stickiest glue in the world?"

OPINION POLL

"CHEETOS!" Ellery proclaimed from the back seat. "Cheetos are the most popular chip in Washington!"

She said it with such conviction that I had to believe it.

WHAT GUS AND AMELIA SAY

Gus: I'm an astronaut!

Amelia: I'm a princess astronaut.

DON'T WAIT UP

Ellery and Mom were going to Amelia's birthday party. As we went out the door, Ellery called over her shoulder to Glenn, "Bye! We'll be back by midnight!"

REHEARSALS

Ellery: Next time Greg comes over, I'm going to do my magic trick for him.

Mom: You'd better practice then.

Ellery: Okay... (doubtfully) ...I'll need a volunteer.

FUN FOR ALL AGES

Ellery said, "You're never too young or too old for bubbles.

TRANSLATOR, PLEASE

Ellery said, "When I say 'Seussie Awards,' that means 'come closer' in my new language."

WHAT DANE SAYS

Dane (age 2) and Mimi were playing in the playroom when the phone rang. While Mimi was talking to Gwyneth on the phone, Dane went next door to Papa's shop and found a board. He came out wielding it like a bat.

"Can you put that back where you found it?" Mimi asked.

"Well, not quite," answered Dane. He obviously had plans for that board. Indeed, he found several inventive ways of playing with it which, luckily for Mimi, did not include clouting.

WHAT GREG SAYS

Greg asked his mother, "Is Marcedes the same as Marcedes Benz?"

"Yes," replied Gwyneth, "but actually, it's Mercedes."

Greg thought about this for a minute and then said, "Mercedes is really easy to make fun of because it sounds like turd ladies."

CUTE AS A...GRAPE?

Ellery and Mom were eating a bowl of grapes when Ellery found a teeny tiny miniature grape. "Oh, it's just so cute!" she exclaimed, "It reminds me of Baby Joey!"

MAY I BE EXCUSED?

After eating dinner at IHOP, Ellery announced, "I'd like to refresh myself in the Women's Room."

LITTLE EVANGELIST

"Ellie doesn't believe in God," Ellery reported sadly.

"Oh, that's too bad," I replied, "Maybe nobody has ever taught her about God."

"We tried and tried to tell her but it didn't work!" she said.

"What did you say?" I asked curiously.

"We said, 'Why do you think we celebrate Christmas, then?'"

PAIN AND DELIGHT

We were going to stop by Jason and Liz's house. "Oh, good! Maybe Jason will play with us!" Ellery said, excitedly.

"I bet he will--he's a good player," I agreed.

"It's always so fun to play with Jason," Ellery commented, "and painful."

(Jason does play with the kids very wildly but they all love it so much.)

TEMPERATURE CONTROL

We were driving in the car and I turned off the heat. "Do you wonder why it's so warm in here?" Ellery asked with a little mischief in her voice.

"Did you turn on your heat?" I asked, referring to the control in the middle seat.

"Yes, but not today. It was the day we went to Andy's parents' house for Fourth of July." (eight months earlier) "'Cause I was so cold."

"Would you rather be too hot or too cold?" I asked her.

"You call it hot but I call it WARM," was her reply.

WHAT GREG SAYS

"In 32 years, it will be the future," Greg said confidently. "My dad said so."

GOTTA GET READY

I was sitting on the couch and Ellery was walking by on her way to the bathroom. She suddenly stopped and did an odd caper while spouting nonsense syllables. She resumed her normal walking and explained, "I was just practicing being silly for when Joey is born."

SHRIMP IS SO FIVE MINUTES AGO

Sampling at Costco:

Fruit leather?

"No fank you."

Teriyaki chicken?

"Yes, please."

Spaghetti?

"Yes, please."

Cocoa?

"Yes, please."

Tilapia?

"No fank you. I only like shrimp."

Shrimp scampi?

"No fank you."

Shrimp with cocktail sauce?

"No fank you. Shrimp used to be my life but not anymore. Now spaghetti is my life."